Faking Productivity

I love link lists. You know, the lists bloggers make of interesting things they found on the internet during the week? Well, I think I'm interesting and I spend 10 hours a day on the internet, so I thought I'd play along and share a few fun links. Usually I IM this stuff to The Boy, but he changed his reply so that it reads:

"Believe it or not.
I'm really not here.
Well maybe I am...
But I'm ingnoring you.
I'm probably not out,
Where could I be?
Screw-ing the new girl!"

You gotta sing it to the tone of George's answering machine. Yah, he doesn't read my links anymore. Maybe you'll like them! Let me know!



Someone has finally done it. They've combined Casual Encounters from Craigslist with Google Maps to create...hookupmaps.
How many of your neighbors are waiting to get it on with strangers RIGHT NOW???

I have my next house completely financed. All I have to do is up my beer consumption slightly, and I can build a castle, just like these monks. Party on brothers.



This Etsy seller

will design a custom stamp from a photo of a child for $20.00. I think this would be a wildly popular gift for young girls.

And for the anxious and neurotic, how about a poster size bubble wrap calendar? I don't think I could resist popping more than one a day...

And for the Halloween obsessed, how amazing is this ghost cat installation in Eastern State Penitentiary???
Mee-YOW!

Jem Part Two

One of the things I love best about The Boy is that he is constantly singing songs, but changing the worlds to make them about our pets. I find this endlessly entertaining. This is important to the story.

Last night I had TONS to do and we happened to be invited to a stripper party. As in, a party held by our friend who runs a strip club. It was a burlesque theme for Halloween. It would have been assloads of fun, but I was a bit too busy so I told Dh to go by himself. I know, I know. What kind of wife sends her husband off to party with questionable women? Me, that's who. Twice in fact. Me and my cat and my cocktail and a night of peace to actually get something done. I was totally looking forward to it.

BUT-this was one of those situations that I could totally twist to my benefit. In order to extract the maximum amount of value from the night, I had to act huffy, as if I was mildly irritated that he was going without me. Me, who would be all alone with work stacked above her ears.

I pulled off just the right amount of pouting and it paid off. The Boy helped clean the kitchen, moved in our new dryer and took care of all the animals for the night. All this before he took of to Slut City, but whatever.

Now the best part is that when he went outside to get the dog, he decided, for what reason I have no idea, to dance around singing the Jem theme song. What do you suppose was going through his head?

"Hmm. It's dark out here.
I can do anything I want!
How should a 30 year old guy take advantage of this situation?
I know, I'll grab my dog, and we'll dance around while singing Jem, my new favorite song!
I get to be the chick with the blue hair!"

I can only imagine the extra moves he does when it's dark and he thinks no one is watching. I guess I'll have to ask the neighbor about it, because our neighbor CAUGHT HIM!

The Boy is singing and dancing like a jackass when he noticed only one dog was there, the other was at the fence. He looked over at her spot, and saw the outline of the neighbor, petting our dog. The neighbor had the good grace to act like it wasn't happening, and The Boy, in a rare flash of awareness, kept singing but toned down the song and stopped the dancing, trying to make it look like he hadn't been caught and that it was all part of his plan. What else could be do, really?

I can't wait until the next time we see this particular neighbor. The Boy told me all this in confidence and made me swear not to tell. But my plan? The next time we're walking by his house I'm going to bust into song right there. I'll let you know if The Boy wets himself in humiliation.

Oh yah, I also have a backup idea. I was thinking how funny it would be to make it look as if the peeping neighbor told all our other neighbors. I could make it look as if EVERYONE knew and was in on the teasing. I was thinking of writing "Jem" on the car with chapstick, on the sidewalk in chalk, and having a couple of them ask him where Jem was when he drives by. Maybe get some pink star stickers for the mailbox...

I already have a lot on my plate without taking on a full blown neighborhood humiliation campaign, but it would so be worth it. Choices, choices...

I know, I know...

I'm not even going to say anything about me sucking/things being hectic/my life being taken over watching every possible election-related news clip on every channel ever... Phew, got them all in didn't I?

Well, The Boy is still being his normal dumbass of a self for all those still interested.

I decided to go as Jem from Jem and the Holograms (rock on 80's cartoons!) for Halloween. This involved me downing pumpkin beer in front of old episodes on You Tube while I scrutinized her dress. Afterward I was pretty pissed that I wasted three hours of my life but you know what? It was all worth it. When I got up this morning, The Boy was in the shower singing the theme song to Jem. I swear, I've gotta get a video camera. I'm depriving the whole world...

Yes, I've Been a Bad Blogger...

But we're not even gonna acknowledge that! Instead, let's just move on to how awesome I am. Look, I even got an award!


Now I'm not sure what Brillante means, by, if I had to guess I'd go with either 5th Best Blogger EVER, or Best Blogger Who is SO Awesome That She Doesn't Even Have to Post and I'm Still Laughing. Something like that.

And it was given to me but one of my favorite bloggers, G+D. Seriously, she is so freaking cute I want to bring her home, dress her up in doll clothes and prop her up on ruffly pillows on my bed. I wonder if her husband ever does this?

And the best part? I get to pass this award on which gives me POWER! Mwaa-haa-haa-haa! I think I'll hold on to that power for a bit, maybe dangle it over the people and watch them squirm...

Six Random Things About Lis...

I've been noticing a meme going around the Internet where people ask bloggers to tell them "six random things about themselves." Since none of you jerks tagged me and I'm beginning to feel a bit left out, I've decided to tag myself.

1. My favorite thing to do is to grab a mug of something hot and go off on a night time adventure walk with The Boy. We'll walk in the woods, on the beach, through our neighborhood, or the downtown district. Super fun and we usually end up ducking into a bar somewhere.

2. I have no shortage of screwed up underwear stories to tell you.

3. The Boy and I have been together for eight years. EIGHT YEARS! I am owed one affair since I wasn't paying attention during at the seven year mark.

4. My birthday last year was both the best and worst one I'd had. It's a tragic story involving nakedness, the neighbors and The Boy trying to make it up to me.

5. Everyone thinks my life must be 100% awesome all the time since I work and home and we're all chill and crap. But every once in awhile I get anxious to the point where I cannot move or function. For no reason. And it SUCKS ASS.

6. We have a house, retirement, insurance, all the Grownup Stuff, yet last year I let The Boy and his friends talk me into staying overnight in one of those lil' storage sheds outside a Big Box store. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm out! Until I find another meme I want to tag myself for...

"DON'T TOUCH IT! I'LL GO GET GLOVES!"

So, you guys remember the thong right? The one I had to abandon at the fancy-ass wedding we went to a few months back? It occurred to me today that I never told you just how heroic this thong was. Being tossed into the Porta-Potty was only the last leg of quite the amazing adventure.

The first bit of trivia is how I came to own this particular pair. I was standing on a beach in Kona, HI, trying to do that change-out-of-my-bikini-while-wrapped-in-a-towel thing when this random scary looking guy with a big ass dog came up and tried to sell me drugs. Here I was half dressed, and to the naked eye, committing a felony with a drug dealer. I got somewhat flustered and scurried away, leaving behind, among other things, my underwear.

Now, this was no big deal. I was gonna wear a skirt that night so I just did the commando thing and off we went to dinner. It wasn't until we were bar hopping with friends later that night when a girl came running out of a restaurant patio, grabbed my skirt and YANKED IT DOWN, that I realized going commando doesn't exactly work if your skirt is tucked into your purse. How I managed that I do NOT know. And Kona restaurant girl? If you're reading this? I owe you BIG TIME.

So we ducked into some store and I bought a three pack of cheap ass thongs all emblazoned with the word "COOL," 'cause that's what I am. And that's what they had in the bargain bin.

And I was wearing that same blue thong later that night when I got kicked out of a bar. I thought this guy was hitting on me and I sort of made a scene. It turns out, he was a bouncer and had just come on to the floor to check my ID. Whatever.

So the underwear returned with me to the mainland and chilled in my drawer, resurfacing every once in awhile, usually when I was really low on laundry.

Until a couple of months ago. Just prior to the Wedding Incident.

The Boy and I were dashing out to go to breakfast.We were in a huge hurry because we just woke up and it was like 2pm and they stop serving at 3. Don't judge. Tired and groggy we grabbed clothes from the dryer and hauled it out of the house, stopping only when I noticed a cloth napkin stuck to his pants with static cling. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

We made it there on time, coffee was brought, orders were taken and all was well. It's the very last hour of breakfast so this place is JAMMED. We get all food, commence to stuffing our faces and all was good. Until the waitress came to check on us.

At first, I thought she was planning a secret tryst with The Boy, the way she was standing two inches away from him whispering into his ear. Then she started gesturing to the floor, to something I couldn't see. They began talking louder, but I still couldn't hear. Other people started looking too. I stood up to try and figure out what the hell was going on when The Boy reached down and the waitress shrieked out,

"DON'T TOUCH IT! I'LL GO GET GLOVES!!!"

Too late for that. The Boy had already leaned over and picked up my ratty blue thong from the floor of the crowded restaurant. And everyone saw thanks to the shrieking of the waitress. Everyone knew I was not "COOL" because a cool person would not leave her undies on the floor of a public place. Public toilet maybe...

He stuffed them into his pocket and we went back to eating while every woman over fifty gave me disapproving glares and every male over 13 gave me the eye. Whatever. I knew it was just another tragic case of static cling, not a case of Lis being a skank who shimmies out of her undies over breakfast. I knew the TRUTH. But it was a little creepy eating with everyone staring at you. That's when The Boy leaned over and suggested,

"Hey Lis. How funny would it be if I pulled them back out, took a big, obvious sniff, then stuffed them back in my pocket?"

Of course, I made a huge scene (scene number two) choking on my Country Potatoes to the accompaniment of another round of disapproving glares. Whatever. I predict there was a run on geriatric-sized "COOL" thongs after that one.

A Modern Day Love Story

Lis: I just wanted o check in and see what time you were heading home today

The Boy: not sure yet

The Boy: I luv U!

Lis: I love you!

The Boy: <3

Lis: awww....

The Boy: those are bawllz (not a heart)

Lis: oh...

The Boy: TEASING!

Lis: =)

The Boy: <===========8

The Boy: that's a heart too